Modern parenting has become synonymous with exhaustion
By Melissa Stefanec | MelissaStefanec@yahoo.com
Whether you are working too many hours trying to put food on the table, running yourself ragged trying to give your kids a well-rounded upbringing or trying to be present and enriching every day, you know the exhaustion is real.
It’s no wonder so many parents find themselves underslept, overcommitted, checked out and at the brink of mental or physical collapse.
I think the ever-present burnout leaves a lot of us asking ourselves, “How much of this is actually necessary? When does the busyness stop enriching our lives and start robbing us? Where do we draw the line?”
I certainly don’t know. But I am trying to crack the code on how to make modern parenting more sane. This column will explore a simple question that has very complicated and nuanced answers.
How much of this madness is necessary?
We try to give our kids a lot. We sign them up for music lessons, sports, clubs, social activities, community events and more hoping to give them greater exposure and experience. We work our tails off to fund their lives.
Most of us are trying to give them the things we never had but desperately wanted. Whether that’s new school clothes, a spot on a sports team, experiences we only dreamed of or something similar, we want our kids to be enriched.
But are we doing it the right way?
Are we actually overcrowding our lives and our children’s lives in the name of enrichment?
Instead of feeding their minds and bodies, are we depleting them? Where is the line between good intentions and bad results?
To get those answers, I think we need to reverse engineer the question.
Perhaps we shouldn’t be asking ourselves what is necessary. Instead, we should be asking ourselves: What is unnecessary?
We all know the actual necessities like food, shelter, a decent place to live, love and companionship. Those things are truly necessary to survival. I’m asking what is necessary to live a good life? What is necessary to thrive?
Here are some of the things we need to make room for in our children’s lives:
• Connection: This is a human need. We all need to feel connected with each other and nature. The best connections happen in person and in the real world. If we are running from thing to thing, how can any of us really connect with each other?
• Boundaries: Most humans thrive when given boundaries. Our kids need to learn how to set and obey boundaries. When we put too much stuff in their lives, they aren’t learning boundaries. Whether it’s about discipline, expectations, finances, how we invest our time or how we treat others, boundaries are crucial to a healthy life.
• Healthy food: Speaking of a healthy life, what we put in our bodies matters. The busier we are, the worse we tend to eat. If we aren’t intentional about meals, we end up eating crap and feeling like crap.
• Reliability: Kids need reliable people and reliable circumstances in their lives. If our overcommitting is making us unreliable or consistently unavailable, we aren’t helping anymore.
• Predictability: Surprises and spontaneity are lovely sometimes, but kids need some level of predictability. If our commitments constantly make our lives unpredictable, we might be doing harm.
• Quality sleep: This one is so, wildly important. Sleep is one of the biggest factors affecting health and wellbeing. If we have our schedules so packed that no one is sleeping enough, we are doing everyone a gross disservice.
• Exposure to different thoughts, ideas, people and places: Doing this doesn’t have to cost money. The local library is free. There are local festivals, community gatherings and similar events that let kids see how different we all are and how wonderful that is. If we keep our kids in our bubble, we aren’t building them for the future.
• Physical and emotional safety: If we are so overextended that we are not physically or emotionally available to our children, they are likely to withdraw and be overly anxious. We should be the safest place in the world for our kids, even if we are angry or disagree with their choices.
• Space to relax and recharge: If we don’t have time to just sit around, we aren’t doing it right. Kids need time to relax, wonder, and be a little bored. Teaching their brains that they need to be constantly amused is dangerous.
• Time with loved ones: We should give our kids enough time to deepen their bonds with their loved ones. Quality time with valued family and friends shouldn’t be on the chopping block when we want to make room in our schedules.
If we have overpacked our and our children’s lives to the point where there is no room for these things, I think we’re doing something wrong.
The cool things we do for our kids are cool, but they aren’t always necessary. Let’s make room for the stuff that makes for happy, healthy and resilient people. That’s what’s necessary.
* If anyone has any tips on how to make more room for the necessary things, email me. I would love to include your advice in a future column,