By Melissa Stefanec | MelissaStefanec@yahoo.com
As a middle-aged woman with two kids, I have a bona fide mom-bod.
On two different occasions, my body brought life into this world, and the topography hasn’t been the same since.
A lot of days, that bothers me immensely. I know I’m just one of the millions of moms who struggle with what their bodies look like, but it isn’t easy.
Raising kids really takes a toll on a woman’s body. It’s not just carrying and delivering a baby that changes how her body looks and feels. The child-rearing years that follow are just as impactful.
You see, raising kids is one of the most time-demanding and sacrificial things a person does. Whether a mom is raising a newborn, toddler or teenager, most of that mom’s schedule likely revolves around her kids (and, in some cases, her career). In the little time that’s left each day, it is incredibly hard to invest time in recuperating and maintaining one’s figure. In fact, it’s nearly impossible.
Despite rationally understanding this, I spend valuable mental bandwidth worrying about how my body looks.
Each day, I get up, look in the mirror, and am instantly a little disappointed.
I spend my day trying to convince myself that my mom-bod is beautiful. I try to focus on how strong and athletic I am. But if I let my guard down for just a second, the shame sneaks back in. I go to sleep, wake up and start the cycle all over again.
I know I deserve better self-treatment and am working on it, but this cycle is my reality. And I think it’s a shared one.
Like millions of other women, I’ve been conditioned to be ashamed of the fat on my thighs and belly and the slight wiggle of my upper arms. I’ve been taught that every pound packed on negates a little of my own value.
At 44, I don’t look 22 anymore and, somehow, society has convinced me that this is a problem. I don’t look like a young woman because I’m not. But everything I’ve been taught (since I was old enough to listen) says that my mom-bod is a personal failure and a little gross, because as women age, they get less attractive.
So here is what I have to say to all the mothers struggling with how their bodies look (because it’s easier to say these things to others than it is to say them to myself):
• You’re beautiful
Yes, you. Your voice, your face, your smile. Each of these aspects of you can light up a room and other people’s lives. Your love is what makes you beautiful. Is there anything more beautiful than love?
• You’re attractive
The way you laugh or tell a story. The way you get passionate about the things and people you love. Your confidence when you are momming like a professional. The way you remember the important details for your VIPs. Being loving and caring are two of the most attractive qualities a person can possess.
• You’re strong
I’m not talking about your spirit, though that is made of star dust. I’m talking about your body. It finds the strength to keep moving, even when everyone else around you has given up. It stands in the freezing rain at youth sports matches and stays awake when your kid needs to be picked up from drama practice late in the evening. It squats to play on the floor and rallies when a kid needs company doing just about anything.
• Looking your age isn’t a lack of willpower
You do not owe the world (and the men in it) anything when it comes to your body. You don’t owe them looking 25 at 50. You don’t owe anyone makeup, cosmetic surgery, 7-day-a-week workouts or constant dieting (but I support you if you need to pursue these things). Looking your age is one of the most normal things that society has ever de-normalized.
• Your mom bod got more done today than most of the non-mom-bods out there
This one is so important. You deserve to dwell on all the ways your body worked for you today. Instead of dwelling on what it looks like, remember everything it accomplished.
• You can and should challenge anyone who challenges your beauty
Stop nervously laughing away the hurtful comments at family dinners and public outings. Walk away from the shows, movies and songs that normalize your ridicule. Speak out against the dehumanization of the mom-bod. Be especially loud about this around your kids. Be the loudest when you challenge your own beauty.
• Moms are hot
Young moms are hot. Middle-age moms are hot. Old moms are hot. We can make new rules. Beauty isn’t something we have to say goodbye to after we reach a certain age. Beauty is something we put on display every single day.
The only reason society continually disrespects mom-bods (and especially aging mom-bods), is because there is so much power and potential in moms. A woman who defines and recognizes her own beauty (and the beauty of women around her) is a force that can upset hierarchies and shake some sense into the world.
Your mom-bod is beautiful, capable and accomplished. And you deserve every inch of its power.