Practical tips, advice and hope for those who live alone
By Gwenn Voelckers
Like so many women and men who find themselves suddenly solo after a divorce or the loss of a spouse, I spent a lot of time in the beginning thinking about what I had lost — and very little time considering what I might gain.
And, oh, the worries.
Would I be lonely? Would I lose my identity? Could I manage financially? Would friends still include me? Could I walk into a restaurant or party by myself without feeling self-conscience or worse, like I don’t belong.
It was exhausting.
But somewhere along the way, something began to shift. I became more comfortable in my own company. I started making decisions without wondering what someone else would think. And gradually, I discovered something I hadn’t anticipated:
Freedom.
Living alone meant I could arrange the furniture the way I wanted. Eat what I wanted. Go to bed when I wanted. Spend an entire Saturday puttering around the house without explaining to anyone why I had accomplished absolutely nothing.
No one was watching. No one was judging. No one was second-guessing my decisions or critiquing my cooking.
How liberating is that?
So, with Thanksgiving approaching, perhaps it’s time to give thanks for some of the less-celebrated pleasures of living alone — including all those ridiculous little things we can get away with simply because . . . no one’s watching.
Things You Can Do When No One’s Watching
• Eat dinner out of the take-out container while standing at the kitchen sink.
No prep. No table setting. No dishes. No judgment. Just recycling.
• Have full-blown conversations with yourself in the bathroom mirror.
Rehearse what you should have said to your ex. Tell off your former boss. Ask the grumpy clerk if she likes her job. You always get the last word.
• Keep your guilty pleasures right out in the open.
Reese’s Cups. Double Stuf Oreos. Cheez-Its. Mary Janes. Klondike Bars. No hiding them behind the quinoa. No shame. Just nostalgia — loaded with good memories and empty calories.
• Watch three — OK, six — episodes of the same TV series in one sitting.
There’s no one beside you asking, “Are we really going to watch another one?” Yes. Yes, “we” are.
• Crank up the music in your living room, dance with abandon, and join Prince in a rousing rendition of “Little Red Corvette.”
Just watch out for the coffee table. I speak from experience.
• Get dressed in the morning straight from the clean pile on the bedroom chair.
Why waste valuable time putting clothes into drawers when you’re only going to take them out again? It’s called efficiency.
• Put something completely unnecessary in your online shopping cart at 11:37 p.m.
Then spend 20 minutes debating whether your life would be vastly improved by a pair of Alpaca socks, a bowtie for your kitty, or a protein snack made with crickets you saw on “Shark Tank.” Thank goodness for the “Remove” button.
• Wear your favorite old sweatshirt three days in a row.
If nobody saw you wear it yesterday, did it really happen?
• Eat breakfast for dinner.
Pancakes at 7 p.m.? Cereal at 9? Scrambled eggs with a glass of Pinot Grigio? There is no Food Police when you live alone.
• Ask your cat or dog for advice — and seriously consider the answer.
I’ve discovered that a long stare followed by a yawn can be surprisingly insightful. And unlike some people I know, pets rarely interrupt.
• Leave a project spread across the dining room table until … whenever.
A jigsaw puzzle, photographs, art supplies, gift wrapping — whatever you’re working on. No need to clear everything away because someone else needs the table. Your project can wait patiently for you until next week.
• Talk back to the television.
Criticize the newscaster’s awful outfit. Yell at Josh Allen for missing the throw. Disagree with the judges on “The Voice.” No one will shush you.
• Spend an entire rainy Sunday doing exactly what you please.
Read until noon. Take a nap at two. Make popcorn at four. Decline invitations without inventing an excuse. Sometimes doing “nothing” is exactly what you need.
• Re-read old love letters or journal entries while sipping wine from your favorite mug.
Smile. Cringe. Maybe shed a tear. And then laugh at the person you once were — and marvel at how far you’ve come.
• Fall down a rabbit hole on Zillow.
Only to be reminded of how much you love your own place. It’s yours, all yours. And so YOU.
Of course, living alone isn’t all singing and dancing and eating Oreos for dinner. There are real challenges. The responsibilities are ours alone. So are the decisions, the unexpected repair bills, the illnesses, and sometimes the loneliness.
But I’ve learned that there is another side to living alone — one I couldn’t see when I was newly divorced and frightened about my future.
There is freedom in having a life and a home that are truly your own.
You get to decide what stays and what goes. How you spend your mornings. Who you invite into your life. What traditions you keep and which new ones you create. You get to discover what makes you happy when no one else’s preferences are competing with your own.
And perhaps that’s the larger reason to be thankful.
Living alone has given me the opportunity to know myself better, trust myself more, and create a life that feels authentically mine. It hasn’t always been easy, and it certainly isn’t perfect.
But today, I can appreciate freedoms I never imagined when I first found myself on my own.
So this Thanksgiving, alongside all the meaningful things for which you are grateful, consider raising a glass to a few of the wonderfully simple freedoms of solo living — and give thanks that no one’s watching.
Happy Thanksgiving!
Gwenn Voelckers is a certified life coach (CLC), columnist and author of “Alone and Content,” a collection of inspiring essays for those who live alone. She welcomes your comments, questions, and inquiries at gvoelckers@rochester.rr.com