By Melissa Stefanec | MelissaStefanec@yahoo.com
Speaking of trending topics, right now is the perfect time to talk about consent and how to teach children about it.
A lot of parents struggle with how to talk to their children about consent and bodily autonomy. We grew up in a very different time — one in which consent wasn’t often discussed and was instead assumed.
Most of us want our kids to have better guidance than we did, but we aren’t sure how to navigate the topic of consent.
I don’t pretend to have all of the answers, but I know how I have tackled consent with my own children.
I want my kids to be in control of their bodies now (and for the rest of their lives). I want them to have healthy and happy relationships with family and their eventual partners.
So, I’ve been teaching them about consent since they could toddle.
It may sound strange, but teaching kids about consent doesn’t always look like teaching kids about consent. Consent looks like teaching about bodily autonomy, personal boundaries and interactions with others. Physical interactions should leave both people feeling safe and loved. The way to achieve that is to seek (and respect) consent.
So, if you’re a parent who is looking for ways to teach your kids about consent, here is my advice:
• Don’t force your kid to hug or kiss you (or anyone else)
Hugs and kisses should always be given with two rules: 1) person one should want to hug or kiss someone; and 2) person two should want a hug or a kiss. This should not be controversial. These rules should be respected by everyone, especially family.
• Don’t guilt your kid for not wanting to engage in physical affection with others
If your child doesn’t want to hug, kiss or otherwise physically interact with someone, that is normal and should be respected. Don’t guilt a child for not wanting to touch someone, even if that someone is a beloved relative.
• Read your child’s body language when it comes to all types of physical touch
If a child is acting like they don’t want to be touched, don’t touch them. If you touch them and they look uncomfortable (or anything other than happy), don’t touch them again. Pay attention to how people feel when you are touching them.
• Don’t teach kids that they owe someone affection
Affection is not currency that is earned by spending time with someone, giving them a gift or doing something nice for them. Doing something for a child does not put them in a debt that needs to be repaid with affection. If a child wants to give their affection, awesome! If not, awesome!
• Talk to your kids about what doctors are doing to their bodies
When doctors need to look at intimate parts, explain to your child that this is only OK because you’re present and monitoring the doctor. Remind them that no one should be looking at their intimate areas, even relatives. For younger kids, discuss proper bathroom boundaries and what to do if something feels weird.
• Don’t physically force your kids to do things
Don’t teach them that violence can be used to force people into submission. When you use physical force to make kids do things, you teach them they can do the same. The times you should physically force another human being to do something are limited to protecting someone.
• When your kid says to stop touching them, stop touching them
Unless it is for their own safety or the safety of others, when a kid says to stop touching them, you stop touching them. The same goes for when your child is touching someone else and that person says stop. No means no. Stop means stop.
• Teach your child not to touch people while they are sleeping
It may seem innocent but teach children that they should only engage physically with people who are conscious. There are a few obvious exceptions to this rule when it comes to trusted adults moving sleepy young ones, but you can teach children about the difference.
• Talk to your kid about movies or shows where people cross boundaries
When you see something in the media (or in real life) where people don’t respect someone else’s body, have a tough conversation with your child. These are valuable teaching moments that should not be ignored.
• Talk to your kids about times you didn’t respect boundaries
We all make mistakes. If you aren’t proud of something you did to your kid, apologize, be accountable and talk to them about what you will do to keep it from happening again.
• Talk to your kids after they cross someone else’s boundaries
Kids will make mistakes. When they do, wait until everyone is calm, and talk to them about what they did wrong, why it was wrong and how they can make different choices in the future.
• Tell your child that their body never deserves to be violated, no matter what
This is a hard stop. If someone violates your child, it is never your child’s fault. Get professional help if you need help dealing with the situation, but don’t make your kid feel guilty for something that was done to them.
There you have it. My list of tips for teaching about consent and bodily autonomy at any age. If you disagree with any of these, ask yourself why and whom you’re protecting.