Practical tips, advice and hope for those who live alone
By Gwenn Voelckers
By the time February rolls around, love is everywhere — and I mean everywhere.
Grocery stores overflow with heart-shaped boxes. Drugstores beckon with cards that promise endless love. And the Hallmark Channel “sizzles” with a steady stream of romance movies.
Even if you wanted to ignore Valentine’s Day, it would find you.
So, as I sat down to write this column — staring at a blank page during the official “month of love” — I found myself thinking about love, too. But not romantic love. Not candlelit dinners or rose bouquets.
I was thinking about self-love.
And I was reminded of one of the biggest mistakes of my life — a mistake rooted in the simple truth that I didn’t love or value myself enough at the time.
Years ago, I married the wrong man for the wrong reason. To be clear, he was a good man — just not the right one for me.
What led me there wasn’t immaturity; it was insecurity. I didn’t fully believe in my own worth, and that clouded my judgment.
I wasn’t thinking deeply enough about my needs, my values or the kind of future I wanted. I wasn’t even asking the most basic questions about whether my fiancé possessed the qualities I truly needed and wanted in a partner.
Instead, I was swept up in something far more intoxicating: the idea that someone wanted me.
Predictably, the marriage ended, along with my dreams of a “happily ever after.” We simply weren’t a good fit. But for years afterward, I carried the blame.
I replayed my choice. I questioned myself. And slowly, painfully, I began to understand that the real issue wasn’t the marriage itself — it was the absence of self-love that shaped my decisions.
That realization changed everything.
Why Self-Love Matters
Living alone — particularly after divorce or the loss of a spouse — has a way of bringing our relationship with ourselves into focus.
Without a partner, we’re left alone with our thoughts, memories, and — if we’re honest — self-doubt.
And that’s when self-love becomes essential.
Here’s why it matters so much:
• Self-love guides better decisions — When you value yourself, you’re far less likely to settle: in relationships, in friendships or in situations that quietly drain your energy.
What might feel comfortable in the short term can lead to regret and the sense that you’ve abandoned yourself, which is what happened to me.
• It builds emotional resilience — Self-love gives you the strength to sit with loneliness or disappointment without numbing yourself with food, sleep, alcohol, or withdrawal.
Instead, it encourages healthier coping skills — a walk, a phone call, reflection, or simply allowing feelings to pass. That’s invaluable.
• It helps you set boundaries — When you respect yourself, it becomes easier to say “no” to unwanted advances, draining commitments or anything that doesn’t feel right to you.
For me, boundaries — and the peace and freedom that came with them — began to outweigh my tendency toward people-pleasing.
• It quiets your inner critic — That negative self-talk — “You’re bad at relationships” or “You should be over this by now” — loses its grip when you exercise self-compassion.
When you respond to your setbacks with kindness, not judgment, you can lessen shame and fear, making it easier to move forward.
• It fosters independence without isolation — Living alone successfully isn’t about retreating from the world. Solitary confinement is for criminals, not the rest of us.
Relationships are what make life meaningful. Self-love allows you to choose companionship freely, without apprehension or neediness.
• It opens the door to healthier love — When self-love is present, romantic love becomes a choice — not a “must have.”
How to Build Self-Love
Self-love isn’t something you wake up with one morning. It’s built gradually, through daily choices and a willingness to be kind to yourself.
Treat yourself like someone you care about
Notice your inner dialogue. Would you speak to a close friend the way you speak to yourself? When self-doubt rises up in me, I repeat, “All I need is within me now.” It helps me remember that I’m capable and resourceful.
When your inner voice turns critical, pause, take a breath, and summon a kinder, more encouraging thought.
Create routines that support you
Small, steady habits — a daily walk, nutritious meals, meditation, a calming bedtime ritual — send a powerful message: You matter.
Pay attention to what helps you feel grounded and well. Then, build your days around those supports. Even something as simple as getting out of the house each day can lift your mood, put you with others, and strengthen your sense of self.
Embrace your likes and dislikes
From how you decorate your home to how you spend your weekends, give yourself permission to like what you like and step away from what you don’t.
Some people thrive on constant activity; others need quiet to recharge. (That would be me.) Honoring your preferences leads to a calmer, more authentic life — and better relationships, too.
Invest in your growth
Therapy, coaching, classes, or creative pursuits aren’t indulgences — they’re acts of self-respect and care. Seeking support means you’re committed to personal growth, understanding yourself and living with purpose.
Forgive yourself
Let go of past mistakes, including the ones made before you had the insights you have now. I’ve had to do this time and again. Each time I forgive myself, I make more room for peace and growth.
Self-forgiveness allows us to accept who we are today, making it easier to be open, trusting, and close with others.
Coming Full Circle
Looking back, I no longer see my failed marriage as a personal failure. I see it as a teacher — a painful one, yes — but an important one. It helped me understand how essential it is to value myself from the inside out.
Today, living alone feels different. Not empty. Not lonely. But grounded. Whole. And complete.
So this Valentine’s Day — whether you’re with someone or solo — I invite you to be your own Valentine. Buy yourself flowers. Make a pot of soup. Call a friend. Choose whatever brings you joy in small, meaningful ways.
Because when self-love is present, everything else — connection, confidence, even joy — has a place to grow.
And that kind of love?
It lasts.
Gwenn Voelckers is a certified life coach (CLC), columnist and author of “Alone and Content,” a collection of inspiring essays for those who live alone. She welcomes your comments, questions, and inquiries at gvoelckers@rochester.rr.com.