Childhood isn’t what it was in the ‘80s and ‘90s
By Melissa Stefanec | MelissaStefanec@yahoo.com
I recently hosted an end-of-year party for my daughter and her friends at our home.
This September, they are starting their first year of high school. I don’t always get to hang out with a group of 13 to 14 year olds, so I tried to lean into the experience. All I can say is, “kids these days.”
That’s because I noticed some really striking things. As a group of young teenagers took over my backyard and home, some things really stood out to me. Things are a lot different than when I was that age. Childhood isn’t what it was in the ‘80s and ‘90s. I couldn’t be more thankful.
I hear so many negative comments about teenagers. I consistently hear people complaining about “kids these days.” I have written columns about how problematic I find this state of mind. Maybe it’s just the way of the world, to find young people to be pathetic deviations from older generations. But I think we would do our kids (and ourselves) a world of good if we noticed the good things and didn’t get hung up on our differences.
So, to focus on the positive, I wanted to share some of the things I noticed about present-day teenagers.
• They all had their own styles — These kids wore a variety of clothes and hairstyles. They complicated each other’s stuff. They weren’t all trying to wear the same clothes or look the same way. It didn’t feel like there was pressure to fit in. They just seemed to be themselves. This was a far cry from everyone trying to keep up with the popular kids or being totally grunge during my formative years.
• They used their manners — These kids had better manners than most adults I know (and I hang around with some very awesome adults). They said “please” and “thank you.” They took their shoes off when coming inside. They were mindful of our pets and kept the doors shut.
• They were mostly nice to each other — Sure, there were a few friendly jabs and some playful mocking, but there was a lightheartedness and kindness to it. They broke off into little groups and amused each other. They didn’t put each other down or gossip about each other. There weren’t frenemies vibes.
• They talked to me like I was a human — So often, kids have a hard time talking to adults. These kids spoke to me nicely and engaged with me like I was a parent, but they were very normal. It was refreshing.
They thanked me when they left — My daughter and I got lots of “thank yous” for hosting this minor event. Quite a few kids mentioned how they look forward to this every year and hope to be back next year. They were showing gratitude.
• They had no trouble amusing themselves — I always try to provide a few structured activities, in case someone needs that sort of thing. However, this party was about letting kids just have free time with each other. That doesn’t happen a lot anymore. Most of our kids have jam-packed schedules and don’t spend much downtime with friends. The kids found plenty to do and enjoyed themselves.
• They included my younger son — My son is three years younger than my daughter, but he hung out with the kids the whole time. They treated him like one of their own. It really is heartwarming to watch older kids engage with younger kids in a healthy way. It gives me hope for the world.
• They made each other laugh — There was so much laughing. It filled up my soul. And, it wasn’t the kind of mockery or putdown laughing I sometimes hear kids engaged in. It was the sort of laughter that results from freedom and friendship.
• They spent time on their phones, but… — Yes they spent time on their phones. But, they were engaging with each other most of the time. They were showing off some of their favorite things on the internet, sharing pictures, and playing songs. Phones are part of life now; we just have to help teens regulate how they use this technology.
• They celebrated their differences — The kids at this party have different backgrounds, family makeups, incomes, sexualities, achievements and struggles. But, I watched a group of kids celebrate what made each of them different. Because they could be themselves, they seemed to enjoy each other even more.
Kids these days sure are different from kids during my teen years. We should all practice getting comfortable with that. There isn’t anything inherently wrong with being different. We need to think critically about whether or not our kids’ behavior is actually bad or hurting people or if it’s just different from what we experienced (and therefore expect).
Perhaps it’s time to flip the script. Maybe it’s time to start changing the way “adults these days” think. Maybe we can be the generation of parents who have the wisdom to recreate the best aspects of our childhoods, while being honest about the things that were really undesirable and unproductive. We owe it to our kids to give them the best of both worlds. If we see the good in today’s youth, maybe we will all be just a little happier, healthier and accepted.