By Melissa Stefanec | MelissaStefanec@yahoo.com
I’m one of those Xennial parents, one born in the early 1980s who was heavily influenced by Gen-X and millennial culture.
I remember a world without internet and helicopter parenting, but I am fully fluent in a world with both.
My childhood was filled with things that are uncommon these days — spanking, two cups of sugar added to a Kool-Aid packet, free-range bike riding and only 20-something TV stations to choose from.
Society and the expectations of parenting have changed wildly since I was a kid. I often hear parents my age lament the simpler times of our childhoods.
There were some really beautiful aspects of being a child in the 1980s and 1990s. However, there were some aspects that were rightfully put out to pasture.
Here are my thoughts of what aspects of my Xennial upbringing deserve to be part of the modern parenting handbook and which ones should be decomposing in a landfill along with my plastic Halloween masks and PVC plastic figurines.
• Bring it back: Mandatory outdoor playtime
I remember being pushed outside and told not to come back for a while. We need more of that in our kids’ lives. We need to leave them safely unattended near things like creeks and rock piles. Kids need to play with sticks and stare at the sky.
• Keep it in the past: Forced hugging and kissing of friends and relatives
Affection, like respect, is earned. Period. Forcing kids to hug or kiss anyone, family or not, teaches zero positive lessons. Of course, kids should be respectful, but forced touching is the opposite of respect. As adults, we don’t like forced touching. Why should we expect it of kids?
• Bring it back: Kids wandering about neighborhoods and towns
Kids need independence, challenges and autonomy. Letting kids navigate towns and situations is vital to skills needed for adulthood. Instead of side-eyeing the 10-year-old at the pizza shop with their friend, we should recognize the value in fledgling autonomy.
• Keep it in the past: Spanking and authoritarianism
I will never understand how using violence to assert power is supposed to teach a kid anything. Spanking teaches kids to be ashamed. It teaches them that physical pain should be tolerated if it’s at the hands of a loved one. It teaches them that the physically superior should overpower the weaker to make a point. It’s gross.
• Bring it back: Letting kids have natural consequences
Instead of conditioning kids to fear getting spanked, yelled at or losing privileges, we should let kids suffer the natural consequences of some of their actions. I’m not suggesting we let toddlers play in busy parking lots. But there are some lessons that our thick skulls have to learn the hard way.
• Keep it in the past: Letting creepy coaches, teachers and group leaders keep their positions
There were so many people in my childhood that adults told me to stay away from or spoke ill of behind closed doors. People knew when adults did questionable (or disgusting things). Too many times, they refused to rock the boat to keep the peace.
• Bring it back: Having a bunch of friends over to do nothing particular
Sure, planned activities can be fun once in a while, but we need to let kids run wild, get dirty and create. Kids need to spend time with other kids and just be kids — no agenda.
• Keep it in the past: Asking little girls about future romances and commenting on their appearance
Talking about what trouble little girls will be, how pretty they look (and ending the conversation there) or who their future husbands will be is just not cool. Kids shouldn’t worry about dressing to please others and their future love lives.
• Bring it back: Not feeling bad about sub-par meals
Healthy eating was part of my childhood, but it was OK to eat fast food or trashy food once in a while. Life doesn’t always leave room for perfectly balanced and well-planned meals. That’s OK.
• Keep it in the past: Boys don’t cry
Can we just all agree that human beings have feelings, including sadness? Can we please normalize boys feeling their feelings without feeling shame or being forced to choke them down? How has this helped anyone, ever?
• Keep it in the past: Making fun of people to “show” them you care
Mocking people and busting their balls shouldn’t be code for “I like you.” No one liked it then and no one likes it now. It made everyone involved feel gross.
• Bring it back: Working a job to earn things
Jobs teach older kids so many important lessons about responsibility, finances, time management and emotional management. We need more kids in the workforce.
• Keep it in the past: Casual racism, homophobia, ableism, sexism, fatphobia, etc.
For every kid who was ever bullied for who they are and for every bully who still can’t forgive themselves and feels icky and angry inside, can we erase casual prejudice and discrimination from our vocabulary? Can we speak up when we hear it? Can we do the inner work to stop it in ourselves?
• Bring it back: The golden rule
I don’t know when this concept went out of fashion. It was one of the guiding principles of my childhood. We need to bring it back. Quickly.