By Melissa Stefanec | MelissaStefanec@yahoo.com
Most of the time, when I get disappointed in myself as a parent, it’s because I lashed out at my kids.
Raising kids can be really frustrating.
When things start going sideways, I’ve been known to get huffy. But every time I lose my cool and stress everyone out, I feel bad about it. I know I’m human, and it’s OK to get mad sometimes.
Nevertheless, I want to raise kids who can overcome setbacks and get past their failures. I want to coach my kids on how to mess up, forgive themselves and others, adapt and do better next time.
However, when things get stressful, I keep running my go-to plays and hoping for different results.
I know old habits die hard, but what kind of coach keeps running the same plays for months on end, even when those plays keep failing?
Instead of adding to my family’s stress, maybe it’s time to change the playbook. It’s time to point my frustrated finger back at myself and change the only thing I can — me.
So, I want to analyze my bad plays and come up with new ones. Here goes.
The situation: My kid does something they have been told not to do.
My old play: Why would you do that?
My new play: What went wrong and what can you do differently next time?
The reasoning: Kids are impulsive. When I ask my kids why they did something undesirable, they may not know why they did it. Their brains aren’t wired to analyze long-term consequences. It’s my job as a coach to encourage their brains to practice this skill. Instead of forcing them to present justification, I should ask them to think about consequences and how to avoid those consequences in the future.
The situation: We need to be out of the house and the kids are late because they got distracted.
My old play: I told you we had to be ready and instead you [did this other thing]. Next time, you can’t do anything but get ready.
My new play: You got distracted and now we are going to be late. How can you make certain you stay on track next time?
The reasoning: My kids aren’t reading books because they want us to be late. They just get drawn into things they enjoy and lose track of time. I should be teaching them how to self-manage instead of withholding hobbies as a consequence. The distractions will always be there, but I won’t always be there to keep them on track. They have to learn that for themselves.
The situation: My kids say something very rude or unkind to each other.
My old play: Do we speak like that to each other in this house? We do not.
My new play: When you speak like that to someone, you hurt everyone. Try cooling off and then talking about the situation with your brother/sister in a few minutes.
The reasoning: The truth is, we do speak to each other in a rude or unkind way sometimes. We are human. Instead of stating something false (that it doesn’t happen), I need to teach them to walk away, compose and attempt to settle a disagreement with grace.
The situation: My kid is doing something undesirable, so I threaten to take away something they like, even if it’s not related to the situation (ahem, a cell phone for example).
My old play: If you continue to do that, I’m taking away your…
My new play: You’re not behaving responsibly or kindly right now. There are consequences when you behave that way. Can you take a beat and see if you can change your behavior?
The reasoning: Threatening to take something away may force compliance, but it usually results in them learning to avoid the punishment instead of learning to modify their behavior. Maybe I can try encouraging my kids to think about their actions, the consequences of those actions and how to avoid situations and things that can hurt them down the road.
The situation: My kid does the same thing wrong for the 4,762nd time.
My old play: How many times have I told you not to…?
New play: I need you to pause and think about what you are doing. What is wrong with this picture?
The reasoning: Telling my kid they have failed to meet my expectations yet again starts up the shame train. I’m not a big fan of making anyone ride the shame train. Instead, I want them to begin reasoning through their miscalculations and making the right choice because it feels good, not because they think I will be ashamed of them.
The situation: My kid is a shining star in public but comes home and acts like a grump.
My old play: You can’t be nice to other people and then treat your family like this.
My new play: I see how wonderful you can be to others. After you calm down, I hope you can choose to be better to your family.
The reasoning: We are all the worst versions of ourselves to the people we feel safest with. We all show our weaknesses to the people we love the most. Instead of making them feel like failures, I want to coach them on showing up with kindness after their hurt, exhaustion or frustration has passed.
Wish me luck!