By Melissa Stefanec | MelissaStefanec@yahoo.com
Most parents do too much for their kids.
Sometimes, I’m one of those parents.
There are days when I tell myself that my efficiency will buy the family more time together. Other days, I feel like I simply don’t have another reminder or nag left in me, so I just do it myself. I know I’m not truly helping anybody, but I do it anyway.
The problem is, doing too much for kids sets a bad precedent and example.
One of the most important things I’m doing as a parent is trying to raise independent and capable adults. In my opinion, independence and capability are two of the facilitators of contentment. When kids know they can do hard things and take care of themselves, they are more confident and content. (At least, that’s what I tell myself; please don’t ask me for scientific studies.)
So, it’s my job as a parent to stop doing things for my kids that they are perfectly capable of doing themselves. I owe it to myself, my kids, their future roommates and their future partners to teach them self-reliance.
To that end, here is my list of things parents should stop doing for our teens and preteens.
• Washing and putting away their clothes
As long as parents don’t dwell on folding technique, kids can do laundry from an early age. If they can’t reach the appliances, give them a step stool, teach them how to use the washer and dryer and let them learn about the joys of cleaning one’s own clothes.
• Making their beds
There is something special about making a bed. Maybe they don’t want to do it, but when they do, they feel ready to take on their day. It’s a small chore, but one that spurs on other accomplishments and creates a calm environment.
• Doing all of their dishes
Kids should know how to rinse, load, clean and unload dishes from a dishwasher or sink. Doing so gives kids a chance to learn where things go and practice order. Dishes are part of life. The sooner one gets used to them, the better.
• Responding to questions people ask them
Even though my kids are in middle and high school, they can sometimes be shy. I still catch myself answering an occasional question for them or speaking for them. Our kids need to find their own voices. They need to get used to talking to store clerks, waitstaff, people at public gatherings, and anyone they need to communicate with as adults.
• Picking out clothing
Within reason, kids need to pick out their own clothes. If something is too tight, short, small, big, or mismatched, does it really matter? As long as they aren’t violating school dress code on a regular basis and are wearing clean clothes, we should not be interfering with their wardrobes.
• Repeatedly delivering forgotten items
Everyone forgets things sometimes. I’m not saying we should never be lifelines for our kids. But we should not deliver unimportant items to them at school or practice. We should not consistently pick up the slack for their forgetfulness. Doing so can teach harmful lessons.
• Being a personal alarm clock
Kids should be able to get themselves up in the morning and get ready for school or events. Waking a kid up every morning may feel necessary, but it can actually teach them it’s someone else’s job to motivate and propel them. With clear expectations, kids can move themselves through morning routines.
• Communicating with teachers and coaches
Of course, there are times where adults need to talk to adults. But, as much as possible, kids should have the first shot. Even if they don’t get the job done exactly right or get to the bottom of an issue, they learn valuable communication and strategic skills.
• Telling them how to solve their problems
We all hate to see our kids hurting, so trying to solve their problems or giving them advice only feels natural. But, when kids bring us problems, we should approach the situation with curiosity. Even the best advice is harmful if it prevents kids from learning how to navigate the complexities of life.
• Making them snacks and meals
Kids are more than capable of making snacks and meals. We should offer guidelines and expectations, but kids need to learn how to plan and assemble meals. This skill should be well established before they go to college or get out on their own.
• Doing their homework or applications
Parents do kids a grand disservice when they essentially take over homework, take-home projects, applications and anything else kids are supposed to complete and learn from. Parents are invaluable coaches, but I can’t remember the last time I saw a coach pull a struggling player off the field and take their place. Let them struggle, learn and overcome.
Of course, getting kids to do things on their own isn’t easy. Kids are used to parents doing things for them. As parents, it’s our job to offer clear expectations, gentle corrections and most importantly, the freedom to fail. We need to let them make mistakes and allow them to feel safe talking about it. Capability comes from experience and failure. We owe it to our kids to create space for both.