By Melissa Stefanec | MelissaStefanec@yahoo.com
Most parents think about whether or not their approach to child-rearing is effective. But, given the circumstances of our world, I propose a single barometer to judge the success of your parenting principles: Are you raising an entitled jerk? That statement is purposefully blunt because I think some people are blindsided when their kids turn out entitled.
I want to be very clear: I don’t put myself above the fray in this one. It’s easy to accidentally raise entitled children. Raising a jerk isn’t typically a purposeful, carefully plotted outcome. Instead, it’s something that sometimes happens when a perfectly well-intentioned parent lets their own weaknesses guide their actions.
And there are a million reasons to be weak. Things like burnout, abuse, over-scheduling, unrealistic demands, poverty, addiction, mental health, hunger, overstimulation, screens and a hundred other little demons zap our energy and ability to focus on the most important parts of child rearing. Many of us are mustering the energy to teach our children things like how to be humble, hardworking, assertive, patient, resilient, empathetic and kind.
It isn’t easy to instill good values in kids, but I wholly believe it’s worth the old-college-try. So, to that end, here are the things I am doing to try to steer my children clear of entitlement and ill regard for others. I don’t pretend to have all of the answers, but these efforts have to amount to something good.
• Talk about what other people might be feeling or dealing with
When someone does something rude, mean, or thoughtless, we talk to our kids about the possible reasons for that behavior. We should double down on accountability and boundaries, but understanding what someone might be going through creates empathy.
• Watch how we talk to other people
We can say a lot of really wise and important things, but our kids will (and should) learn from the way we treat others. Whether it’s strangers, acquaintances, drivers on the road, or politics, we should try to choose our words carefully and not diminish the value of others.
• Watch how you behave behind closed doors
We should challenge ourselves to practice what we preach. We will all say mean or unkind things sometimes. When that happens, we need to apologize and explain why our behavior wasn’t acceptable.
• Teach our kids that instant gratification isn’t really gratifying
This is a big one. We live in an age of instant gratification and nearly constant stimulation. This isn’t doing our children (or ourselves) any favors. We should be having real conversations with our kids about how dangerous instant gratification can be to their well-being. We should dare to let our kids be bored and challenge them to amuse themselves without screens or parental oversight.
• Try to help them truly understand how their actions affect others
Forced apologies get kids nowhere. Instead of shaming them, we should be talking through difficult situations and help them understand how their actions impact others. Then, we should talk about how apologies and changing their behavior in the future can make things right.
• Let our kids fail and be disappointed
We need to let our kids get more comfortable with failure and disappointment. That likely means getting more comfortable with these two concepts ourselves and modeling that behavior. Kids who are petrified of failure and disappointment don’t do daring things. Kids who think they are too good to fail do daring things poorly. We owe our kids more than both of these situations.
• Engage them in chores
Kids who don’t have to do chores or help around the home often grow into entitled adults. Home repairs, cleaning, grocery shopping and errands are all part of life. We need to involve our kids in these aspects and give them increasing responsibilities as they grow up. If we don’t, they won’t grow up.
• Talk to our kids about accountability
We need to teach our children to take satisfaction in being accountable. Accountability often gets a bad rap, but it is the first step in forgiving yourself and taking charge of your own life. If we don’t challenge our kids to be accountable for their own actions and decisions, they will blame others for every ill that plagues their lives.
• Teach them increasing independence
It’s hard to be entitled when you’re an independent self-starter. We need to slow down and teach them how to do things on their own. Whether that’s making dinner, doing their laundry, talking to store clerks or navigating situations with teachers and coaches, we need to push our kids to be more independent.
• Teach them the value in helping others
It’s hard to be entitled when you see other people’s humanity. We should teach our kids that small acts of service and kindness really do change the way people feel. Every act of service builds two lives — the life of the receiver and the doer. Teaching our kids to help others is one of the surest ways to avoid entitlement.
This list is a monumental lift. Doing even a few of these things requires a lot of time, energy and patience. However, it might just contain some cheat codes for raising decent human beings. After all, if today’s kids grow into entitled jerks, we have no one to blame but ourselves.