Most people suffering from flat rear syndrome are in denial
By Tim Bennett
In a day when other parts of the body like the bosom, thighs and six-pack abs are receiving the maximum media attention, it is mandatory that someone buck the trend and focus on something relevant like flat rears. That’s right. I said, flat rears.
I’m not surprised to be singled out to address such a taboo topic because I have one.
Yes, a flat derriere.
What makes my condition odd to me is—I don’t know how my rear disappeared. As far as I knew, I had an average-sized rear end until a number of years ago I experienced a serious and consistent slippage of the trousers. Of course, I tried to compensate by tightening my belt, but then I had to deal with the buckle digging into my gut, another uncomfortable situation.
Then I discovered others also had the same problem. I’ve noticed, however, that many flat rear sufferers pretend their problem does not exist, especially those with construction jobs. Usually, they overcompensate in the stomach area—perhaps falsely thinking that large quantities of pasta can fill out one’s deficiencies.
Au contraire, big bellies acquired either through pasta or beer consumption will actually work against you. Gravity then becomes your enemy by having more mass to pull downward. I now have something to say that is quite unpleasant but must be said—rear end cleavage is not pretty.
For some reason, it seems home remodelers with FRS (flat rear syndrome) like to kneel down and really get into their work. Unfortunately, this activity creates a scene that is embarrassing for the homeowner. After all, skin that resembles a boiled lobster with hair protruding from strange places does not usually warrant art gallery attention.
Your first reaction is to either run out and buy this guy suspenders or twist a towel and snap it in his direction. You must resist both of these temptations. The first because it will only add to a bill you already think is overpriced. The second because it will only infuriate your shameless exhibitionist and cause him to either beat you to a pulp or abandon your kitchen while it is still in shambles.
So, what do you do if you find yourself in such an awkward situation? A gentle response may be to rip out the paper this article is written on, attach a piece of Scotch tape and then tip toe up to your home remodeler and place it over the offending cleavage. His wife will be the first to see the paper since this region of his body no longer has nerve endings due to its frequent exposure to sub-zero temperatures. She’ll immediately read the article and say, “I told you to keep your pants up!” and hopefully, the next time he visits your house he’ll remember his civic responsibility.
On a personal level, you may be wondering how I came to terms with FRS. Did I join a health club and regularly exercise my gluteus maximus? Or did I order a custom-made prosthetics device to add hump to that area of my body?
None of the above, I am happy to say. I just sit softly and carry a big pillow.
Editor’s Note: April Fools! There is no official medical condition known as flat rear syndrome or FRS. The author coined the phrase.