By Gwenn Voelckers
Years ago, after my divorce, I found myself staring at a future I hadn’t planned for and didn’t particularly want.
I was living alone for the first time in my adult life. The house was quiet. Too quiet. Questions swirled endlessly through my mind. Would I be OK on my own? Would I ever feel happy again? Could I build a meaningful life for myself?
If you are living alone after a divorce or the loss of a spouse or partner, some of those questions may sound familiar. The newfound solitude can feel empty and unbearable.
But it doesn’t have to.
During that difficult time, I sought help from a therapist. In one of our conversations, he asked me a simple but powerful question that I have never forgotten: “How do you want to feel six months from now?”
At first, I was surprised by the question. I had been so focused on my fears and problems that I hadn’t given much thought to the future.
That question changed everything.
It helped me stop focusing exclusively on what I had lost and begin thinking about what I hoped to gain. It became the foundation for a simple three-step process that continues to guide me whenever my life feels overwhelming.
Perhaps you will find it helpful, too.
STEP 1: Put Your Worries on Paper
Take a deep breath and write down the fears, worries, self-doubts and negative thoughts that keep you awake at night.
Be honest. No one else needs to see this list.
Sometimes our fears become larger and more powerful when they remain stuck inside our heads. Putting them on paper helps us see them more clearly and often reduces their grip on us.
Here are some examples:
• I feel guilty for not being able to save my marriage.
• I worry my children no longer want to be with me.
• I fear I’m unworthy and unlovable.
• I worry about my health and who will care for me.
• I’m afraid I’ll never find love or feel joy again.
• I believe I’m too old to start over.
• I’m consumed with worries about finances.
• I feel overwhelmed by loneliness.
• I worry that my best years are behind me.
• I feel invisible now that I’m on my own.
• I don’t know who I am without my spouse or partner.
• I’m terrified of the unknown future.
It’s easy to get stuck in this quagmire of negativity. But recognizing and naming these fears is often the first step toward moving beyond them.
STEP 2: Envision a Better Future
Next, ask yourself: “How do I want to feel six months from now?”
What would you like to be able to say about your life? How would you like to feel when you wake up each morning?
Here are some possibilities:
• More connected with friends and loved ones.
• More confident and courageous.
• Proud of the example I’m setting for my children.
• Filled with hope and optimism.
• More excited about the future.
• More willing to try new things.
• More connected to my community.
• Healthier and more energetic.
• Less weighed down by guilt or regret.
• At peace with my past and present.
• More forgiving of myself and others.
• Content spending time alone.
• Better able to handle challenges and setbacks.
• More comfortable in my own skin.
This simple exercise can be incredibly empowering.
Instead of dwelling on what you fear, you begin focusing on what you want to create. You move away from self-criticism and toward hope and possibility.
You begin writing a different story for yourself.
STEP 3: Take Action Toward Your Goals
Once you’ve identified how you want to feel, ask yourself: “What can I do today to move one step closer to that future?” The key word is “today.” Not next month. Not next year. Today.
Your action plan might include:
• Connecting with support groups for people in similar situations.
• Seeking counseling, coaching,= or other professional support.
• Spending more time with family.
• Reaching out to an old friend or inviting someone for coffee.
• Joining a class, club or activity that meets regularly.
• Exploring a new hobby or deepening an existing passion.
• Volunteering in your community.
• Enjoying “me time” on an overnight solo retreat.
• Seeking financial guidance to alleviate monetary worries.
• Prioritizing your physical health and fitness.
• Practicing prayer, meditation, journaling, or gratitude.
• Designing a simple weekly routine that supports your well-being.
Remember, meaningful change rarely happens all at once.
It happens one decision, one conversation, one small step at a time.
Six Months Will Arrive
Living alone after a significant life change can be overwhelming. It was for me. Some days you may feel lonely, uncertain, discouraged or simply numb.
But six months from now will arrive whether you prepare for it or not.
The question is: “How do you want to feel when it gets here?”
By acknowledging your fears, envisioning a brighter future, and taking small, meaningful steps toward the life you want, you can begin creating positive change today.
You don’t have to transform your life overnight.
You simply have to start.
And when you look back six months from now, you may be surprised by how far you’ve come.
Gwenn Voelckers is a certified life coach (CLC), columnist and author of “Alone and Content,” a collection of inspiring essays for those who live alone. She welcomes your comments, questions, and inquiries at gvoelckers@rochester.rr.com