By Gwenn Voelckers
Every October, I put out a charming little stack of flat pumpkins. My neighbor, on the other hand, puts out an entire haunted graveyard, complete with a 12-foot skeleton and inflated goblins.
I’m afraid I’m losing at Halloween.
Fortunately, losing at Halloween isn’t particularly scary. Living alone for the first time after my divorce? Now that introduced me to some real fears. I quickly discovered that you don’t need October — or Halloween — to know what fear feels like.
It shows up in the middle of the night.
I remember tossing and turning and thinking: What was that sound? What’s my ex up to? Will I ever find love again? Can I keep this house? What if something happens to me?
On and on.
No plastic skeleton is scarier than the thoughts our minds can conjure up at 2 a.m.
Over time, though, I discovered something important: The secret to living alone successfully isn’t becoming fearless. It’s becoming aware of what scares us and finding practical ways to manage those fears.
So this month, let’s talk about scary stuff.
Loneliness that doesn’t go away
It’s not simply being alone in the evening. It’s the slow shrinking of contact — no one across the table, no one asking about your day, no one to share the little things with.
A divorced friend once told me weekends were the hardest because “nobody just drops by anymore.” I get it.
What can help:
• Anchor your week with two or three regular activities that happen whether you feel sociable or not — a walking group, class, volunteer shift or church activity. If it’s Wednesday, I know I have pickleball; on Thursday it’s a drum lesson.
• Initiate. Don’t always wait for invitations. Ask someone to lunch, suggest a walk or organize a movie night with friends.
• Pay attention to when loneliness hits hardest and make plans for those vulnerable times. Late afternoons can be tough for me, so I make a beeline to the gym.
Something happening to me — and no one knowing
A fall. A bad case of the flu. Sciatica (that’s my new “something.”) For those of us living alone, health worries can quickly become “What if?” worries.
One woman I know jokes that her greatest fear is being found three days later with the television still tuned to a sappy love story on the Hallmark channel.
Humor helps. Even better — a solid plan.
What can help:
• I keep my cell phone with me at all times. It’s in my pocket, even when I garden. And it’s on my bedside stand (charging) at night, just in case.
• I also keep emergency contacts and important medical information easily accessible. My friends and family know where to find my short list: meds, allergies, doctor, and people to call.
• You might also consider a medical-alert device or smartwatch with emergency features if that would give you peace of mind.
Running out of money
Divorce or the death of a spouse can dramatically change finances. Suddenly there may be one income, one Social Security check and one person (you) responsible for every bill.
I avoided looking into my financial mirror for years until the fear of not doing anything was greater than the fear of facing reality.
Fear, in my case, turned out to be a blessing in disguise — a real motivator. It prompted me to get my act together and seek help.
What can help:
• Find and organize all your financial documents. It doesn’t need to be pretty. Use manila files, put “like” documents together and label your files. This simple step will help you feel more in control.
• If you need it, get help making sense of your “stuff.” I did. Meet with a trusted financial professional if you want help understanding your options.
• Build even a modest emergency fund. A financial cushion is also an emotional cushion.
The house falling apart
When I first lived alone, every unfamiliar noise sounded scary (and expensive!)
Water heater? Furnace? Roof? Something electrical about to burst into flames?
A friend who lost her husband told me she felt completely overwhelmed the first time the furnace stopped working. Her husband had always handled those things. She eventually called a neighbor, got the name of a reliable repair person and started building her own “house team.”
What can help:
• Create a list of trusted plumbers, electricians, mechanics and handymen before you need them. I use the neighborhood app Nextdoor to find recommendations.
• Learn a few basics: where the water shutoff is, how to reset a breaker and who to call in an emergency.
• Remember: You don’t have to know how to fix everything. You only need to know how to get help.
Never finding love again
After the end of a marriage, it’s natural to wonder: Was that it? Will anyone ever love me again?
But I eventually realized there was another question worth asking: Can I create a satisfying life whether or not romance enters the picture?
What can help:
• After watching me retreat from life after my divorce, my wise mother boldly said: “Stop waiting for Prince Charming to rescue you. Go create a wonderful life on your own.” And so I did. And I am living happily ever after. You can, too.
• Invest in friendships and relationships that nourish you now.
• Build a life you enjoy based on your loves, interests, curiosity and natural abilities.
Being alone on holidays
Thanksgiving. Christmas. Hanukkah. Kwanzaa. Birthdays. Anniversaries. Even Sunday mornings can carry memories of how life “used to be.”
A widowed friend told me she dreaded her first Thanksgiving alone so much that she finally invited three people over who also had nowhere special to go. They had such a good time that they did it again the following year.
What can help:
• Make plans early rather than waiting to see what happens.
• Create new traditions instead of trying to recreate old ones. One year I traveled solo to the Garnet Hill Lodge in the Adirondacks to celebrate Thanksgiving on my own. It was one of the most memorable Thanksgivings of my life.
• Look around. Ask others about their plans. Someone else may be hoping for an invitation, too.
Growing old alone
This may be one of the biggest fears.
Who will help me someday? Where will I live? What happens if I can’t drive? Who will advocate for me?
Those questions deserve attention — but not panic.
What can help:
• Start exploring and having conversations now about living options, transportation, health care and support. I already have my eye on a small townhouse complex within walking distance to a lovely village here in the area. When managing my home and property on my own becomes daunting, I will investigate this option in earnest.
• Identify support personnel before you need them. In addition to my PCP and specialists, I have the name and number of a personal care aide I can call on if I need help at home.
• Put legal, financial, medical and end-of-life documents (including your will) in order. Planning is empowering and can lessen your fears.
As for Halloween, my neighbor’s 12-foot skeleton will continue towering over my little stack of pumpkins this October. I’ve accepted defeat.
But when it comes to the genuinely scary stuff?
These days, I know I don’t have to be fearless. I just need to know what to do when fear knocks on my door. I don’t have to let it in!
Gwenn Voelckers is a certified life coach (CLC), columnist and author of “Alone and Content,” a collection of inspiring essays for those who live alone. She welcomes your comments, questions, and inquiries at gvoelckers@rochester.rr.com