By Melissa Stefanec | MelissaStefanec@yahoo.com
My daughter is entering her last year of middle school and she and her friends are navigating some difficult situations.
They are years from being adults and yet often forced to navigate adult topics and obstacles.
Middle school is as tough as it’s ever been and my daughter is developing the skills she needs to make it through.
As her official middle school drama coach, I want her to find her own voice and embrace problem-solving. But I have to play adviser, too. So, I thought I would share some of the advice I’m selectively sharing with her as she stares down the middle-school gauntlet.
Don’t believe everything you hear
Every time someone spreads a rumor, it loses a little truth — if it had any to begin with. Unless you saw something happen or heard something said, you don’t know the information you’re told is true. The people who know what’s true aren’t usually the ones doing the talking.
What you hear and see is half of the story
Even if you do see or hear something that seems very clear cut, remember there is more to the story. You didn’t see what happened in the locker room or hallway before an incident. You didn’t see the social media message last night. What is out in the open is only part of a bigger story.
Remember why people are mean
People are mean because of pain and frustration inside of them. When you find a mean person, that person likely has a lot of mean people in their own life. Meanies say a lot about themselves and very little about the people whom they are mean to.
As much as possible, stay out of it
It’s so hard to stay out of conflicts, especially when someone you care about has been harmed. But, as much as possible, stay out of other people’s drama. You can be a good and supportive friend without being part of the battle. When a situation doesn’t directly involve you, you don’t need to engage with people or police them.
But, when someone is danger, intervene
As much as you should avoid meddling, there are times you have to stand up for yourself or someone you care about. In those situations, please get involved. Go to the school counselor or principal. Say the unpopular thing. Stand beside the person who needs help. Your good character is one of the greatest possessions you will ever own.
You too will do regrettable things, so learn how to apologize
Even though you have such a strong character, you will make mistakes. You will do or say something regrettable or hurtful. You’re a human who is learning to navigate very difficult situations. When you mess up, be accountable. Don’t be afraid to apologize. Show folks you are worthy of forgiveness. Most importantly, learn to forgive yourself.
Don’t let someone’s mistakes define them
When someone does or says something hurtful, you don’t need to stop being friends with them. A few minor mistakes or missteps shouldn’t make someone dead to you. If we all operated that way, we would never have love or friendship in our adult lives. Learn how to forgive and let people make amends.
Be very wary of negative patterns
Forgiveness is so important, but you shouldn’t stand for repeated bad behavior. When someone repeatedly engages in negative behavior, that is a pattern. Don’t give a lot of your time to folks with negative patterns. It’s OK to show them basic respect and kindness though.
• Don’t decide if someone is your type until you know them
Find your tribe, but know your friends will change throughout life. If you put in the work and choose well, you might have some lifelong friends. But, many friends come and go and that’s OK. Engage with people who aren’t in your group. One of those people might be the lifelong friend you are looking for.
Kindness matters
Kindness to yourself, to others, to teachers and staff, to kids younger than you, to coaches, to the planet, to animals. All of these kindnesses matter. Try your best to make them matter to you. Look for people who hold these same values. If someone is kind to you, but unkind to someone else, your day will come and it will hurt.
Sometimes, you have to breathe fire
Kindness matters more than anything in the world. But there will be times when you have to breathe fire. You may have to say dangerous things. You may have to use physical force. You may need to do scary things to escape bad situations. When those days come, I’ve got your back.
When it gets scary, I’m here
Every single time. Call me at 2 a.m. from the sleep over. Tell me the terrible thing that happened. Tell me the secret you are supposed to die with. You won’t share everything, but know I can handle anything you tell me. I promise to love you anyway.
I know my daughter won’t be able to understand this slew of contradictory lectures. Even as a middle-aged woman, I can barely muster the grit and strength to abide by half of these. But, one of the reasons most of us have kids is to make the world a better place than what we were born into.
As a middle-school drama coach, I have the utmost faith in my team and her ability to change the world.