By Melissa Stefanec | MelissaStefanec@yahoo.com
There is no way to mentally prepare for being a parent.
Most of us go to great lengths trying, but no book, podcast, newsletter or sage advice can actually prepare you for the emotions that accompany parenthood.
The depths, intensity and dissonance of parental emotions are high stakes. Parenting is a lot — a lot of the good, the bad and the amazing.
However, when those complex and intense emotions surface, I think a lot of us are afraid to embrace them. We feel guilty or embarrassed for experiencing such intense emotions and spend time and energy trying to beat them back. Instead of embracing, exploring and understanding the mental complexities that accompany parenting, we often try to minimize them.
So, this month’s column is about giving permission and space for all of the intense emotions that are evoked by raising kids. If nothing else, it will be a reminder to myself.
There is a time to feel tired
There are oh so many times to feel tired. There is physical fatigue from losing sleep and providing care and enrichment. There is mental fatigue from supporting, worrying, entertaining and guiding your kids. Somedays, you cross the finish line wondering if you can get up and do it all again tomorrow. It’s OK to feel tired — consistently and deeply tired.
There is a time to feel angry
Sometimes, you are just going to be angry — angry at your own kids, angry at other people’s kids, angry with family or friends for how they engage with your kids. The hardest times are when you’re angry with yourself for making poor decisions or losing control. It’s OK to be angry, just take a pause, feel it and move through it.
There is a time to feel lonely
One of the strangest paradoxes of parenting is that you can be surrounded by loved ones and still feel intensely lonely. For most of us, modern parenthood is lacking in community. We are expected to do so much more on our own than generations before us. When you combine that with less time for friends and personal passions, you can feel really lonely. It’s OK to feel lonely.
There is a time to feel smothered
If you’ve spent much time with parents, you have probably heard the phrase “touched out.” Similarly, you’ve probably witnessed a parent lose their cool over a benign question because they haven’t had a mental break in a week. Parenthood can be smothering. It’s OK to feel smothered.
There is a time to feel joy
There are moments when your kid does something so funny, kind or beautiful that you will feel as though you could fly. Dwell in that moment. Let it course through you and reinvigorate you. It’s OK to treasure and revel in joy.
There is a time to feel annoyed
Kids can be really annoying, as in annoy-you-to-your-core annoying. Sometimes, kids will even push your buttons on purpose. Whether it’s bickering, negotiating, noise or mess that is driving you a little mad, it’s OK to feel annoyed.
There is a time to feel hurt
Kids are human and they make mistakes. They say and do hurtful things, just like the rest of us. Don’t blame yourself when your children hurt you. Instead, talk them through it and be direct about expectations in your family. It’s OK to be hurt.
There is a time to feel disappointed
When you put so much energy into raising your kids, dealing with disappointment is really hard. Sometimes, you need to discuss that feeling with them, and sometimes you need to check your own expectations. However, disappointment is a normal feeling, whether it’s with your kids, your partner or yourself. It’s OK to be disappointed, just ask yourself what’s next.
There is a time to feel independent
Never feel guilty for having a little alone time. You can be an invested, loving, and dedicated parent and still maintain a little independence. It’s OK to have an amazing time without your kids. It’s OK to do something for you.
There is a time to feel proud
Most of us parents are proud of our kids. We see a culmination of our best intentions and efforts in our children. When your kid does something exceptional, bask in that feeling. Whether it’s something exceptionally intelligent, athletic, musical, talented, artistic, compassionate or kind, it’s OK to feel like you did something right.
There is a time to feel inadequate and incapable
As a parent, there are times when you feel like a failure. There are times when you just don’t know how to help your child. There will be times where you want to give your children more, and you simply can’t. It’s OK to feel like you aren’t enough.
There is a time to feel bottomless inconceivable love
One of the things I simply was not prepared for is how much I would love my kids. Nothing can prepare you for that. Despite all of the annoyances, anger, trials and difficulties, there are so many moments when you will feel a level of love and dedication you didn’t know was possible. You aren’t too much. You aren’t crazy. You are feeling all of the love you give coming back to you.