By Melissa Stefanec | MelissaStefanec@yahoo.com
As a parent, I see a lot of things normalized that I wish weren’t.
Things like violence, hypersexualization, gender norms, disrespect, bullying and sexism are so prevalent in our society, that it’s sometimes hard to find them remarkable.
But instead of writing a column about things I want to denormalize, I’m going to keep things positive and write about things that I wish were normal.
Normalize is a word with many meanings. It’s a mathematical operation. It’s a verb meaning to return things to their previous typical state. The type of normalize I’m talking about is a little different. I want to make things that aren’t currently normal into widely accepted and lauded practices.
The following is a list of actions I wish were a standard part of our societal fabric. These are things I wish were almost universally agreed upon by all parents, no matter their creed or lot in life. These are things I think would make for healthier children, healthier parents and a healthier community.
• Normalize saying, “I’m sorry” to children
When we don’t apologize to children, we teach them dangerous lessons. We’re teaching them adults can’t be wrong and to blindly obey adults. We’re also teaching them that one day, when they are old enough, they will outgrow apologizing. We’re teaching them they aren’t worthy of amends and don’t deserve to have their feelings validated.
• Normalize never using physical force to punish or correct
When we hit, push, grab, shove, kick or punch our children, we are teaching them that adults are allowed to solve problems with their hands. We are teaching them it’s OK to lose control when you’re an adult. We are teaching them they deserve to be physically injured when they do something wrong. We are teaching them that belittling, embarrassment and pain will make things right.
• Normalize never talking about physical attributes
We need to stop talking about people’s weight, age, race, hair styles, visible abilities, ears, height and anything else that you can decipher about a person in a matter of seconds. What people are born with or how they choose to style themselves is really none of our business. Unless someone is literally threatening someone with their bodies or attire, we need to leave them alone. We need to teach our kids to look past the things they can learn in one second.
• Normalize being wrong
We need to raise our kids in a world where it’s OK to be wrong and to fail. Each of us will be wrong and fail every day of our lives. If we don’t teach children to process failure and being wrong, they will grow into adults who don’t apologize. They will turn into people who are afraid to take chances.
• Normalize healthy sexual relationships
We should start normalizing sexual relationships where all parties are making safe and loving decisions. There is so much out there that portrays sex in unhealthy and unrealistic ways. We need to talk to our kids about sex and sexual health. We need to talk to them about what healthy sexual relationships look like.
• Normalize talking about mental health
We need to talk about mental health the same way we talk about physical health. No one is embarrassed to talk about their ailing knee or asthma. What if we could be as free with talking about mental health issues?
• Normalize believing your children
Children may have wild imaginations and have juvenile ways of communicating, but they are experts on their own experiences. When children tell something about their feelings, bodies or perspectives, we should believe them. All too often, us adults dismiss their pain or experiences. When they tell us something about themselves, we should do our best to believe them.
• Normalize complex and conflicting emotions
Many kids and adults want to see the world in black and white. It seems easier that way, but we need to normalize complexities being part of life. It’s OK to be nervous and excited about something. It’s alright to be angry at someone and respect and love them. We need to embrace cognitive dissonance for ourselves and instill it in our kiddos.
• Normalize embracing negative emotions
We need to normalize emotions like frustration, fear, anger, despair, sadness and disappointment. These emotions are a natural part of life. All too often, we tell kids to just get over it. When we do that, we teach them to choke back and disregard their emotions. What we should be doing is coaching them on processing and working through difficult emotions.
• Normalize harmless things that others enjoy
People are wonderfully and beautifully weird. We should normalize celebrating harmless things that give other people joy. We often dismiss or put down other people’s interests. What if we collectively agreed to celebrate other’s joy, even if it stems from different places than our own?
• Normalize being bored
Boredom plants the seeds of wonder and creativity. We should normalize and embrace our kids being bored sometimes. They don’t need to be entertained all of the time. We don’t need to schedule every minute of their days. Kids need free time to invent, meander and grow. We need to teach them that boredom is nothing to fear.