By Melissa Stefanec | MelissaStefanec@yahoo.com
I am officially 150-parenting-columns old. That means I’ve been doling out advice and baring my soul to total strangers for almost 13 years.
I am wildly thankful for this opportunity. Especially because writing about parenting has made me a better parent and human.
That’s because postulating about this journey has caused me to question a lot about myself. Writing these columns has forced me to analyze myself and my habits, thus inspiring me to grow, learn and unlearn. There have been so many times where I have asked myself, “If I’m just as lost as everyone else, why should anyone care what I have to say?”
I don’t know that folks should. But I learned early on that authenticity matters. Adults don’t want to be told what to do, think or feel. However, we all want to feel less alone and connect with others’ experiences. If I could be authentic, maybe people would keep reading.
So, in the name of milestones and fostering authentic connections, here are some of my most important learnings from writing about parenting for 13 years.
I can’t craft my kids in my own image
I’ve come to understand my children aren’t pieces of art that I’m crafting in my own image. They are actually designing themselves as they navigate this wild world. As a parent, I’m merely a guide and an adviser. I can only help them get their bearings and watch as they set out from there.
My mood can set the tone
Moms have tremendous influence over their environments. If mom is unhappy, that can really set the tone. I’m not saying us moms should have to spew toxic positivity, but we should realize how much power we have over the tone of our days. If we sweat the small stuff, we just make things worse for ourselves; all that stress comes back to us.
I can be honest with my kids
I’ve always found it odd that parents will let their kids watch violent or adult-themed shows or play violent games, and yet they won’t be honest with their kids about things like sex, death, mental health struggles, sexuality or family dynamics. I can be honest with my children (in an age-appropriate way). They want to make sense of the world and people around them. I owe it to my kids to be honest with them about tough things, and I can do that without treating them like adults before they are ready.
I can’t transpose adult motivations onto my children
Sometimes, I assign adult motivations and reasoning to my children’s actions. That is very unsophisticated adult thinking on my part. Kids’ brains simply aren’t capable of adult reasoning. Children lack the perspective necessary to have adult motivations. Most of the time, they don’t have a hidden agenda. If we are attentive and truly listen, their motivations are usually quite obvious and not in line with an adults’ motivations.
If I’m going to force them to do anything, it should be to get outside
Human beings need fresh air. However, it isn’t always easy to persuade humans to do things that are good for them. One of the things I regularly force my kids to do is to get outside. Sometimes that’s with me; sometimes that’s without me. But 95 times out of 100, they are in better spirits when they get back indoors.
Kids food tastes should be respected
When my kids don’t like something, I don’t make them eat it. I encourage them to try new things and eat a variety of foods. I explain to them why doing so is important, and what they might be missing out on, but I don’t make them eat anything. Nobody, no matter their age, wants to eat something they find repulsive.
It’s hard to teach them failing is OK
Failure is a crucial part of personal growth, but kids really hate failing. Failing is painful and embarrassing. So, when I fail, especially at the everyday stuff, I try to broadcast it. Whether it’s dry banana bread, a mistake at work, or something unkind I said to someone, I try to highlight my failures so my kids get more comfortable with the concept.
“Pick your battles” should be “minimize your battles”
Pick your battles is sage advice, but even picking your parenting battles lands you in too many battles. I’ve adopted a credo of “minimize my battles.” Kids often feel powerless, and they will do just about anything to get it. So, I try to be very choosy about when I fight and when I give my kids autonomy.
I have a lot of self work left to do
When I make mistakes, which is often, I remind myself that I’m growing alongside my children. I have so much self-work to do. I’m a messy human, and I owe it to myself and those around me to work on some of those messes. I attend regular therapy and practice self care in hopes of being a better role model and putting an end to, “Do as I say and not as I do.”
150 columns later
I’m a little older, wiser and sleepier than I was 13 years ago, but parenting has made me a better human being. From a young age, I always wanted to be a life-long learner. I used to think most of that learning would come from books and conversations. Little did I know how much I would learn from raising kids.