Role brings unexpected blessings
By Deborah Jeanne Post
Caregiving for someone who has dementia is not a drudgery. While serving in this role for the past two years, I have learned a few things.
• The need for caregiving is not always acute. It’s not always a dramatic moment where the family realizes “things aren’t right” with their loved one such as in “Driving Miss Daisy” when Miss Daisy believes she is late for teaching school decades after she retired and her son discovers her flitting around the house, anxious to grade papers and go lead her class. Sometimes, caregiving gradually grows in scope. During the past few years, my “caregiving creep” has steadily increased as the need for help has increased.
• It’s OK to delegate. Other family members like helping. Having them assist in whatever way they’re able to makes this all easier. I don’t really have to do it all and it’s better if I don’t. I’m not great at every aspect of this role.
• It’s also OK to get outside help. When friends ask, “What can I do?” I feel free to accept. That help has enabled me to have respite from caregiving so I can feel refreshed to provide better care.
• I’m stronger than I thought. When there’s no one else to undertake challenging tasks, it’s amazing how resilient one can be. Viewing the work as an opportunity to bless one who has blessed me makes doing these tasks possible.
• Surprisingly, it’s a lot of fun. Not all the time, of course. But we have always had a good relationship and I feel so grateful as that eases the pain of this chapter of our lives.
• It takes humility for people to accept help as a patient. I understand that it’s hard to let others do things for those who have always been go-getters. Adopting this perspective has helped me extend grace during periods of frustration. It must be hard to forget how to do things, fumble at tasks and feel like you’re letting everyone down.
• Not everything can be perfect. With this important and time-consuming obligation in my life, I can’t fit in everything else I want to do. And that’s all right. I have had to give myself permission to let go of things that take up too much time. (Baking homemade cookies isn’t one of those!)
• The experts are not experts in my family. Of course, professionals can offer terrific advice and general tips. And healthcare is indispensable. However, I know my loved one better than any stranger. I have multiple examples where noticing details that vary from the routine has made a positive difference.
• No one lives forever. Getting these extra hours and days feels like a treat. Not everyone has this chance with their loved ones. A dear friend of mine died a few years ago at age 48. Life is fragile and our grasp on it is tenuous. We should welcome any opportunity we have to share experiences with those we love—even not-so-great experiences.
Deborah Jeanne Post is a member of the writing staff of In Good Health.