By Melissa Stefanec | MelissaStefanec@yahoo.com
I think there is a lot to be said for modern parenting. So many of us are working hard — at the office, in the home, at the field and on ourselves.
We want to be better for our kids. We are looking back on our own childhoods, recycling the best parts and trying not to repeat the bad parts. We are trying to optimize childhood for our kids.
Our hearts are in the right place. We want to present our kids with good challenges. We want to strengthen their character without making them hard. We want to nurture them without removing their resilience. It is a delicate balance.
But I think I know the magic ingredient that so many millennial parents haven’t mastered. That ingredient is failure.
Failing with grace is essential. It is what builds resilience, which anyone would argue is one of the most important life skills. Letting failure be a teacher instead of a wrecking ball is one of the surest ways to build a strong and satisfying life.
So, how do we let our kids fail more? It’s easy to say we want to build their tolerance for failure, but it is another thing to actually do the things necessary to build that tolerance. To that end, here are some of my tips for letting kids fail.
• Have them negotiate with their peers — Interpersonal relationships are challenging, no matter how old one is. Dynamics between friends can leave kids unsure of what to do next. We need to let our kids fail at relations with their peers. We can always be sounding boards and offer soft advice, but we need to let them make mistakes and learn from them.
• Let them forget things — We all forget something once in a while. And there’s nothing wrong with being an occasional safety net. However, we can’t bail our kids out every time they forget a jersey, water bottle, extra credit assignment or instrument. We need to let them experience mild consequences when they forget.
• Don’t tell them they are best — With the best of intentions, a lot of parents tell kids they are really good at things. Even if we don’t tell them they are the best, we overplay their achievements. If we are kindly honest about their talents and shortcomings, our kids won’t be afraid of imperfection.
• Don’t expect them to be the best — A lot of parents put pressure on their kids to be the best at things — the best player, best leader, first chair in the ensemble or a main role in the play. We need to normalize being average or subpar at things. Putting pressure on them to perform makes them afraid to recognize and get comfortable with their own weaknesses.
• Make them try new things (and be terrible at them) — The fastest and easiest way to fail is to try something new. Trying something new and being terrible at it is also a great way to rekindle a love or learning, wonder and growing. Let kids try new things and then let them beautifully flounder.
• Don’t do things for them they can do on their own — In the name of efficiency, a lot of parents do a lot for their kids. We need to leave enough space in our kid’s schedules that they can do things on their own. Kids typically do things less well and slower than we would. That is the point. They have to fail, start over and work on things.
• Let them make a mess (and clean it) — How many times have we seen our kids about to make a mess and stopped them? I know it is hard to let kids do something wrong and make a mess. But, the mess is the failure that needs to happen. Then, the learning is in cleaning it up. Making a kid properly clean up a mess is a lesson in failure and changing behavior.
• Make them talk to teachers and coaches — Many of us become our kids’ negotiators. We write the app messages, email the teachers, message the coaches and coordinate with other adults for them. We should make our kids regularly engage with other adults to get information. Sure, they are going to get it wrong sometimes, but that’s the point.
• Let them get a bad grade or miss a deadline — Managing schedules, deadlines, activities and a social calendar is not easy for anyone. However, getting good grades is hard work. If they don’t study on time, don’t help them cram at bedtime. If they say they are prepared and you know otherwise, say your piece and rest your case. A bad grade here and there will teach lessons that parental intervention never will.
• Let them suffer (just a little) — Within reason, let your kids suffer the ills of their bad actions. I’m not suggesting that we let our kids do very dangerous things. But if one of their bad choices is going to result in some minor pain or displeasure, warn them once and leave it at that.
Failing is critical to mental development and our kids need to get comfortable with it. There are a million cliche quotes about the greatest successes being fed by a thousand failures. We should remind our kids (and ourselves) that failing isn’t scary; living a completely safe life is.