By Melissa Stefanec | MelissaStefanec@yahoo.com
There are a lot of things our kids are not an authority on. They aren’t authorities on finances, nutrition, history, current events, medical or scientific evidence or the best ways to keep a room tidy.
However, there is one thing that our kids are the certain, undeniable, leading and penultimate authority on and that thing is themselves.
As adults, sometimes, we forget this simple logic. In an effort to protect our kids (or make our own lives easier), we sometimes dismiss what our kids think and feel. That is a big mistake, one that can cost kids their intuition and self-trust.
Why are so many adults so willing to tell kids what they are feeling? Why do so many people tell kids when they should or shouldn’t be in pain, hungry, bored, lonely or emotional? Most adults would never question another adult who said they were in physical or emotional distress. Yet, we often tell kids, “to get over it” or “that doesn’t hurt.”
When did we become authorities on the brain, nervous system and soul of another human being? Why are so many of us adults quick to think we know our kids better than they know themselves?
I have some suspicions, but that is for another column. Instead, I want to focus on when we should really listen to our kids and trust them.
• When they say they are in physical pain — Most people don’t lie about being in pain. Sometimes, children may lack the vocabulary to fully label the pain. But that doesn’t mean their pain, discomfort or bad sensations are not real. We need to believe kids when they say they are hurting.
• When they start crying — So many adults are quick to dismiss a child’s tears. Crying is a way of showing distress, pain, discomfort or overload. When a kid starts crying, there is a very real struggle behind those tears. We need to help them understand and process those struggles, even if those struggles don’t make sense to us.
• When they say they don’t like a certain food — Sure, kids can be picky eaters. But we all dislike certain foods. The idea of making an adult eat something they do not like is unreasonable. Why do we do it to kids? I am a proponent of getting kids to try things — but we shouldn’t make them override their disgust just to clear a plate.
• When they say they don’t like the company of a certain person — This is a big one. If a kid says they don’t like being around someone because that person makes them feel bad, we need to listen to our kids. We want our kids to trust that inner voice that warns them of potentially dangerous people. We should not teach them to override that voice.
• When they say someone hurt them or bullied them — It takes an incredible amount of courage for a child to discuss when they have been hurt or bullied by someone. If your child says they were hurt by another person, believe your child and take the appropriate action.
• When they say someone did something sexual to them — If a child says that another person did something sexual to them, please for the love of all that is good in this world, believe that child. Don’t shame or question them. Don’t make them pretend it never happened. Get them the help they deserve.
• When they “don’t know why” they did something — Kids can be impulsive. When a child does something wrong, we often want them to justify their behavior and share how that behavior was premeditated. Sometimes, an impulse is an impulse. Instead of making them justify it, we should offer them tactics to reduce impulsivity.
• When they say they are overwhelmed — When our kids say they are overwhelmed and can’t keep pressing on, we often encourage them to keep going. When someone is overwhelmed in the moment, what they need is time to regroup. We should trust our kids to set boundaries that feel right to their brains and bodies. You can revisit perseverance when their nervous system calms down.
• When they say they don’t want to date someone — If our kids don’t want to be in a relationship with someone, we should honor that wish. Shaming our kids or making them distrust their instincts when it comes to intimate partners is a bad precedent.
• When they share information about their sexuality — Being honest about one’s sexuality and questions about such is so hard for kids. If they have mustered the gumption to talk to you about such things, listen to them. Trust them. Don’t shame them or try to change them. They know what is going on inside their own hearts.
The best way to teach kids to listen to their gut (or that inner voice that is meant to protect them) is to believe what they tell us about themselves. When we train our kids to dismiss, deny or invalidate their own pains, feelings, and intuitions, we do them a gross disservice. When we trust our kids when they tell us about themselves, we teach them to trust themselves. Gaslighting may be the word of the moment, but it’s a real thing. Don’t do it to your kids. They are the leading experts on themselves.