By Melissa Stefanec | MelissaStefanec@yahoo.com
There is a lot of advice available to help parents deal with big feelings from their little people. Big feelings are hard for developing minds to process. However, I wish there was an equal body of media and literature to help people like me — a big person with big feelings.
Even though I have an adult body and a fully developed brain, my kids and life can really push me to my limits. Sometimes, I get overwhelmed and don’t react to situations with the aplomb and tact I expect of myself (and that my family deserves).
Big feelings are hard to process, especially when I’m tired, hungry, overextended or under-slept.
I should consistently manage my emotions and be a role model to my kids. But what is a mom to do when she doesn’t have enough energy or bandwidth?
Well, sometimes she is going to fail and sometimes she’s going to employ tactics to help herself calm down. In doing such, she is going to be the teacher her kids deserve.
Calming my big feelings is a big ask, but sometimes I rise to the challenge.
To that end, here are some of the tactics I use to diffuse myself when I am feeling completely overwhelmed, angry or desperate.
• Ask for my own time out — I’m not kidding. Even though my children are well into their adolescence, sometimes I say, “Mom needs a timeout. I just need to regroup.” Then, I do just that. I walk outside. I lock myself in the bathroom. I go into that one corner of the house where no one will look for me.
• Do some breathing exercises — Breathing exercises are more than deep breaths and they really work. Any of us can do some online searches for breathing exercises that help you calm down. I have a special one I do where I take a normal breath and then blow it out as slow as possible while pretending to blow a feather off of my top lip. It works.
• Clearly and kindly define what is making me upset — Sometimes, explaining why I’m upset helps everyone. I keep it age appropriate and I don’t say things to make them feel guilty or blame them. Sometimes, articulating big feelings is enough to make them small feelings.
• Change the subject until I cool off — When I feel myself starting to get upset about something, sometimes I tell my family that I would like to change the subject. I explain that I’m not in the right headspace to discuss a certain topic, but I promise to return to the topic. Then, I discuss that thing when I have the bandwidth to do so.
• Go for a walk — Even a five-minute walk can change my perspective on the world. If it’s not nice enough weather to walk outside, I do some jumping jacks, pushups or stretches to re-center myself when I’m upset. Walking away from a fight that isn’t worth having is a crucial life skill.
• Let my kids fight it out amongst each other — When my kids are having a disagreement, I often feel like I need to solve it or end it. However, that just usually makes me frustrated. Meanwhile, I’m depriving them of important conflict-resolution skills. Sometimes, they just need to fight it out.
• Ask myself if this will be important in an hour (or a week) — Because I’m human, I sometimes find myself frustrated about things that really don’t matter. Sometimes, I’m able to pause and ask myself, how much does this really matter? If it won’t matter in a few minutes, it’s likely not worth it. If it won’t matter in a few days, it’s really not worth it.
• Stop speaking if my voice is raised or my tone angry — When I feel myself start to yell or speak in a mean tone, I try to pause, if even for a literal second. Raising one’s voice only makes things worse. Sometimes, when I feel myself being loud or snippy, I literally purse my lips to make myself pause and stop talking.
• Eat a snack, get a glass of water or take a nap — Many of my life’s frustrations are solved by a snack, some water or a little rest. When my body needs one of these things, it’s hard to do much else right. I have been known to put myself to bed early when I am being grumpy. We all do better with adequate rest.
• Pause and reflect that kids do not (and should not) behave like adults — Often, my expectations are the cause of my frustrations, not my children. Sometimes, I expect my kids to behave like mini adults and process their feelings at a level that is not appropriate for their age. I shouldn’t expect my kids to behave like anything other than kids.
• Tap in my partner — When I am being a lesser version of myself, I sometimes send in my husband. I realize not everyone has this option. But if your partner is calmer than you when you’re getting heated, let them handle it.
Of course, these tactics are much easier to write and share and a lot harder to employ in real life. However, handling big feelings takes emotional muscle and the only way to get better at it is to keep trying. So, I’m going to do just that.
Wish me luck.